The Two Week Wait - Dos and Don'ts

Do

• Calmly submit to daily assault by giant needle.
• Try this process with both lying down and standing up.  One might leave slightly less debilitating pain in that hip for the next 48 hours
• Peel a whole pineapple and cut cross-wise into five equal sections.  Eat one section, including the core that tastes like wood, every day starting the day of your transfer.  Some hippies think the bromelain helps make the womb stickier
• Keep your feet warm.  Wear socks.  Eschew the ballet flat look even though you're 6 feet tall and it's spring.  Socks and shoes.  Acupuncturists claim that warm feet = warm uterus.
• Actively seek out relaxation activities (excluding all the awesome ones listed in the next section). Schedule a massage.  Meet with your acupuncturist.  Start a visualization ritual.
• Hang out on the forums for neurotic women just like you.  They understand your need to overanalyze every tiny thing.  If you need a dictionary to know what's going on, try this.  
• Remember that you're incredibly lucky to have had this opportunity, regardless of how uncomfortable or stressed you are.

Don't

• Take baths or use heating pads, no matter how much those progesterone shots make you long for some intense heat therapy.
• Drink wine, coffee, tea, or soda.  You will really need some wine, but no, you can't have any.
• Exercise or exert yourself in such a way as to raise your internal body temperature.  You'll just have to continue not going to the gym you don't belong to.
• Lift anything heavier than 10 pounds.
• Don't have sex.  Orgasms cause uterine contractions.  It's like an earthquake for the poor embies.
• Start home pregnancy tests too early.  That way lies madness.
• Freak out too much about your weight fluctuations; this is a bloaty, floaty time.  You may also be craving inordinate amounts of dietary fat.  For instance, I just chased my morning oatmeal and blueberries with chips and guacamole.
• Call your husband a filthy name right before he has to stab you with a very long needle.  He was only asking to use your car for five minutes.
• Stab your husband right back with the needle, even if the mental rehearsing of it brings you unbounded joy.
• Scream at your husband for not immediately replenishing the milk and butter.  He did not know that your every hope hung on buttered toast and steamed milk when you woke up.
• Punch your husband for reacting so calmly to the above cursing, stabbing, and screaming.  That's how he deals.
• Tearfully explain to your husband every morning how sorry you are and how unbelievably moody and out of control you feel.  He knows.  Just....shut up.